What to do when you ‘ve tried everything.
Letter:
Dear Miss Breakthrough,
I feel like I hit a wall. Just turned 30 and have never been married. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but I'm sure there must be something! I don’t understand what’s happening. I swear I have the worst luck with men.
I’ve been single for 7 years and no matter what I do, how many self-development courses I take or how often I meditate I just haven’t found the right partner. My friends have all gotten married, had babies, some even got divorced and re-married and here I am, still single.
In the past I fell for a couple of different men who I thought were the one, only to find out they were seeing someone else. The last one hit particularly hard.
I’ve worked on self-love, built a life that I truly love with better girlfriends and enjoy my beautiful life and independence. But I am tired of going solo and feeling like a failure each time someone asks me ‘why don’t you have a boyfriend?' As if I wasn’t trying! I smile often but also feel ashamed and like a failure. What can I do? I'd appreciate any tips you can give me.
Sincerely,
Ashamed of Failing
Answer:
Dear Ashamed of Failing,
I hear that the pain and sense of failure that comes with being over 30 and never married has reached the point that you believe you have the worst luck with men.
Fortunately, it sounds like you have made the most of your journey and reached the point where you feel amazing and ready for a long-term commitment.
Since you have been working on yourself and have been trying for a while to find a partner that is truly aligned with you, but it hasn’t happened yet, I would suggest: look at the level of identity.
The place you are creating relationships from.
By identity I mean the things you believe about who you are when you are feeling contracted. The most popular today is ‘I am not good enough’.
Our love life is the place we feel most vulnerable in and where we are at risk of showing up in a contracted or fearful place. By 30 you’ve had enough heartache to question the possibility of finding an aligned partner, it can intensify as you get older.
If you take an honest look at your past relationships, you will see that the one common denominator is you. If you are still single, then it’s because there are some things you are doing that are negatively impacting your relationships. I know it’s hard to hear, but there is a subconscious reason why you are becoming involved with unfaithful men.
The good news about this is that within you is the power to change it; you are not cursed, nor destined to be single.
What you need is to find what your deep-rooted beliefs about yourself are, and the decisions you make based on such beliefs. Invest time to challenge those beliefs and to practice showing up authentically to see your love life bloom.
Transformation will only happen where we put our energy. Prioritizing your love life requires you to take responsibility for the dynamics you create. To take responsibility you need to set aside your judgmental self and lean into compassion to approach everything with wonder and curiosity.
The best protocol I recommend for transforming the dynamics you create:
- Use your curiosity to find your subconscious pattern that is sabotaging your relationships.
- Take an honest 6-month break from love to completely focus on breaking your pattern.
- Find other women who are also committed to breaking their old love patterns in order to find long-lasting love and become an accountability circle.
- Be willing to sit with the discomfort of showing up differently. Aligned men will meet you outside of your comfort zone.
- Use other’s reactions as a filter to find alignment to your new way of relating. E.g: If your new way of showing up is speaking from vulnerability and a potential partner constantly mocks you when you do it, do not read it as rejection. Take it as a filter that he is not aligned with the type of dynamics you want to create. Invest in potential partners that pay attention and care when you share.
By taking this break and following these steps, my clients have been able to meet more aligned matches and feel more confident and authentic.
You can completely transform your love life. Time will still go by, but when you put in the effort, invest your energy in your transformation, you’ll see your love life bloom.
I see it all the time with my clients, it doesn't matter their background, nor their age; so stay true to yourself and do not give up.
When you are ready but don’t know where to start, there is free information available on how to find and break old-love patterns on my IG channel that can help you on your journey towards long-lasting love. You can check it out at www.instagram.com/deeptransformativecoaching
Keep on going fiercely,
Miss Breakthrough
Transformational Coach Claudia Miravete has helped singles around the world go from "where is the love of my life?!?!?!" to a blooming romantic relationship. In her brand new column 'Dear Miss Breakthrough' she gives advice about knowing if you have found the right partner, how to get out of ‘situationships’, pointers for building long-lasting relationships and more!
When you have a question about your love life, you can ask your girlfriends... or you can ask an expert. To ask an expert write to:
http://love.deeptransformativecoaching.com/
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